How to Spot—and Shift—the Beliefs That Are Blocking Real Connection
You can have great chemistry, aligned values, and even synced astrology charts—but if your subconscious beliefs are wired for self-protection over connection, love can’t grow.
In this post, I share a real-life example of how childhood experiences shape adult relationships—and how you can start shifting the beliefs that are blocking deeper intimacy and communication.
So, we throw around words like attraction, connection, and compatibility as if they’re set in stone. Swipe right. Instant spark. Aligned astrology signs. Done, right?
Not quite.
In my work with clients, I’ve seen again and again that what often gets in the way of deep connection isn’t a lack of chemistry—it’s the old, unconscious beliefs we carry into our relationships.
For years, I worked at a relationship centre called the Separation Resource Centre, helping both couples and individuals uncover what was really blocking connection. One of the most common patterns I saw? Conflict avoidance.
That belief that it’s safer not to say what you need. That staying quiet will prevent a fight. It’s something I saw in both men and women. But here’s the thing: it’s usually a child’s belief, formed at a time when silence actually did feel safer.
Take one of my clients. She spent years in a marriage where she had no voice. That didn’t happen overnight—it came from a childhood where her parents’ marriage was turbulent and sometimes even violent. As a little girl, she made a powerful decision: Don’t speak up, and you’ll stay safe. That belief stuck. It became part of how she did relationships.
So when problems came up in her marriage, instead of saying how she felt, her mind hit a switch and shut her down. At first, it seemed like a way to keep the peace. But as time went on and she grew more confident, she realized she was building resentment. She never gave her partner the chance to truly understand her or help work things out. She didn’t develop the communication and conflict-resolution skills a relationship needs to thrive.
And the hardest part? She wasn’t choosing silence consciously. Her subconscious beliefs were running the show.
So how do we change old childhood beliefs?
The first step is awareness. Start noticing how these patterns play out in your own life.
Are you in a relationship where you hold back from expressing your needs? Do you find yourself emotionally distant—not because you don’t care, but because you’re afraid conflict will break the connection?
Observing how we operate is the first step toward change.
Growing up in a medical family, I was taught to track symptoms—to notice what was really going on. And that skill shows up in my work too. What are the “symptoms” of a belief?
For example: When your partner does something that bothers you, do you immediately justify not saying anything? Do you tell yourself it’s not worth bringing up? Ask yourself honestly: What do I believe will happen if I speak my truth?
That belief—that speaking up will lead to rejection, or anger, or abandonment—is usually what’s driving the behavior. And until we name it, we can’t shift it.
I always tell my clients: We need your conscious mind on board to lead the way.
If you’re tired of repeating the same relationship patterns and you’re ready for something different, start by looking at your beliefs. They’re the hidden blueprint of how you love—and the good news is, they can be changed.
Want help identifying and shifting those blocks? That’s exactly what I do through my belief work (what I lovingly call “belief surgery”). You can learn more about that here: